But Brahma had a another gripe. Vishnu and Shiva had bagged fantastic digs with great mountain top views of creation while Brahma had a bad back because he had been sleeping on Lakshmi’s couch for a hundred thousand years.
As the courgette lattice arrived, Brahma said he wanted a great pad too as all his possessions were still in storage since the turmoil of creation and he was sure that the Cosmos had lost his holiday photos from the boy’s weekend in Nirvana.
The main course was great but Shiva thought it needed a bit more seasoning.
“That’s Shiva. Always so down on things” said Vishnu. “But if Brahma wants a pad, he should have one”. They all agreed that there was plenty of space, despite all the temples that Shiva and Vishnu’s adherents had built already.
Dessert was a mouth-watering, light chocolate soufflé served with ballettes of clotted vanilla creme-anglais and as they downed spoons and sipped coffee, they were all pleased that it had been a productive meeting. Vishnu was happy with his lot. Shiva got the green light for the occasional opening of his third eye, just to let off some steam. Brahma and Vishnu agreed that the odd earthquake and eruption was a small price to pay if it kept Shiva happy. Brahma left satisfied too, having already drawn up the plans for his new loft style apartment.
Time passed and then Shiva checked his diary. Could it really be that long since the three had last caught up over lunch?
He cast a message bearing lotus petal into the churning Ocean of Milk and before long they were dining in a shady little courtyard eatery that Ganesh had raved about. Vishnu and Shiva were delighted with things since their last meeting but Brahma had a face like thunder .
At first he wouldn’t be drawn but Vishnu persevered. What was the problem that the Lord of Creation couldn’t handle? It all came out over a pleasant mezze followed by aubergine casserole and pears in a red wine jus.
“Women!” growled Brahma.
He related how he had planned a trip to the world of man to commune with his devotees regarding their temple building plans. His wife, Sivistri was getting ready to go but they were going to be late. Brahma had nipped ahead and Sivistri promised she would not be far behind.
But Khali, the old trouble maker, had put a fly in the ointment when Brahma was gone. Whispering in Sivistri’s ear, he had persuaded her that she shouldn’t have to run to the beck and call of Brahma’s devotees.
“Take your time” he said reassuringly. “Brahma will wait for you”. And, persuaded by his wily words, she sat down for some more henna tattoos and to think again about her outfit as she was sure that the iridescent cloud mantle she had chosen made her bum look big.
“Eons passed. Literally” said Brahma. “I just started to get impatient. It didn’t even take me that long to create the world. After all, what was keeping her? How could it take one person so long to get dressed and get out of the house?” Vishnu and Shiva both knew that Brahma had never really forgiven Sivistri for making him late for the big pow-wow at Garuda’s place.
“And then this pretty girl comes along and she’s making eyes at me and we get chatting” continued Brahma. “One thing led to another and it just kind of happened” his voice trailing off into silence.
“And?” prompted Vishnu.
“And we got married” sighed Brahma, putting his head in his hands and pushing back his divine hair. Vishnu patted him gently on the shoulder. This wasn’t so difficult after all.
“That’s not so bad” he said in a low voice. “We all have more than one wife. So what’s the problem?”
Brahma seemed to have shrunk to half his former size and he paused long enough for Vishnu to realise that there was more.
“I turned her into a cow” Brahma whispered. “And then Sivistri turns up and it all kicks off - lightning, fireballs, the works”.
Shiva and Vishnu sat in silence. This was bad; very bad indeed.
“And to make matters worse” added Brahma in an exasperated tone, “Sivistri goes off in a huff and puts the kybosh on my temple plans. She’s limited me to one! You guys have thousands and I get one! I’m the Lord of All Creation and I get one temple. How can I see to All Creation with one temple? It can’t be done”.
Shiva looked at Vishnu and shrugged imperceptibly; neither wanted to interfere. They knew Sivistri and they were steering well clear. Brahma had to sort this one out himself.
“I’ve got an idea” said Shiva after a few moments. “If you can only have one temple, make it big and put in somewhere pretty”.
“Is that the best you can come up with?” barked Brahma.
“I destroy things. I don’t do marriage guidance!” Shiva said sulkily. “Ask Vishnu”.
Brahma turned to The Sustainer who was silent for some time.
“If you can’t build temples then maybe you could get your followers to do something different” suggested Vishnu. He paused and thought for a moment. “Krishna has a good thing going with that blue thing he does and he looks good with a flute” he added. “Get your lot to paint their houses blue and bang a bell or something at dawn and dusk. That’ll be far better than a load of temples and it’ll free them up to devote more time to you rather than brick laying and plastering. Plus, if they worship at home, it takes the pressure off you. No crowds to please and none of these prophets raising expectations. I had some consultants in from Babylon a while back and they suggested outsourcing the whole thing – miracles, sacrifices, personal appearances – the lot. Sivistri can’t stop you doing that.
Brahma was the winner and as he realised it, his features lifted. Whole towns of blue houses, all in worship of me he thought. “Great plan Vish!” he said brightly.
And lo, Brahma’s gaze fell on Pushkar, a tiny mountain town in Rajasthan. Striking the ground with his staff, water welled up and a holy lake was formed. Here he directed his flock to erect the only true Brahmin temple in the world, with a bathing ghat leading to the sacred waters, for ritual cleansing. His followers duly painted their houses an attractive shade of powder blue and forsaking alcohol, meat and cigarettes, banished Sivistri to a mountain top temple on the outskirts of the town. There, her few adherents have to struggle up 700 steps to make their offering to her.
The other winner is the cow which remains sacred to Hindus.
And the lesson we can learn from this unfortunate episode?
Never marry a cow.
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